Title: The Impractical Joke
Author:
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leo_draconis Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2226
Challenge: April's challenge at
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hd_500 - Recipient:
la_choo - Keywords: prank, teakettle, awry
- Dialogue: "Can't you take a joke?"
Summary: Draco is tired of being the butt of Finnegan's pranks and decides to get even. Why does nothing ever work out as planned?
It was all because Seamus Finnigan was a giant arse. A giant, stupid, Irish arse.
Draco scowled as he thought about how the idiot Gryffindor had royally fucked everything up. When he'd been transferred to the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department a year ago, he'd become the butt of Finnigan's weekly jokes. Draco was tried of finding enchanted rubber spiders in his desk and artificial feces in his lunch bag, but when he stopped reacting to the pranks in hopes that they would cease, Seamus simply stepped things up. A sticking Sonorous charm in Draco's preferred restroom stall, allowing the entire office to listen to him relieving himself; a tripping jinx placed on Draco's briefcase, causing him to fall repeatedly while carrying it…the list went on and on, and he was more and more humiliated each day.
Finnegan never showed any remorse; he'd simply laugh in Draco's face and say, "Can't you take a joke?" Even his coworkers felt badly for him, and most of them had simply been relieved when Seamus had focused his pranks on Draco rather than any of them. That's why no one objected when Draco finally decided to get even.
Monday morning was scheduled to begin like every other. The weekly staff meeting would begin, Seamus would show up late and hung over from the weekend, stumble to the teakettle and collect a cup, and pass out in the corner. Draco would be at peace for at least a few hours, knowing that Finnigan never had enough energy to torture Draco on Monday mornings, and he would pretend to pay attention to the meeting while stealing glances at Harry Potter.
Potter always watched him with softly pitying eyes when one of Finnigan's pranks landed. He helped Draco up when he fell, he cast his own Sonorous charm and made random announcements while Draco used the loo, and he scolded Seamus repeatedly and asked him to stop the madness, though to no avail. His kindness when no one else would step in was the only thing that made Draco's days tolerable, and he began to see why everyone had always followed Potter in their youth.
He also grew more than a small crush on the dark-haired man. On Harry heroic-gorgeous-and-hopelessly-straight Potter.
At any rate, Draco arrived early and put his plan into action. He pulled out the teakettle he'd brought along and placed it beside the regular kettle just as the rest of the staff started streaming in. He cast the charm he'd been practicing on the kettle.
"Why are there two kettles?" Hannah Abbott asked, taking a cup.
"Don't use the red one," Draco instructed. "It's for Seamus."
Terry Boot snorted. "Uh-oh, what's it filled with?"
"Water," Draco laughed. "But in addition to the warming charm, it’s got an occultus specialis charm as well."
"The Hidden Secret charm?" Hannah raised an eyebrow. "No way! Oh, this could be good."
"What's it do?" Terry asked.
"Tells a secret about the person that touches the charmed object," Hannah replied.
"Lame." Terry rolled his eyes.
"Not just any secret," Draco spoke up. "The person's deepest secret."
"Like I said…lame."
"Touch it, if you dare," Draco challenged.
Terry smirked at him. "Sure, Malfoy. It'll tell everyone that I'm allergic to peanuts or something. Oooh, big mystery." He reached over and picked up the red teakettle. "See? Nothing."
Just as he spoke, the kettle announced in a booming voice, "Terry Boot is wearing lacy women's knickers. He wears them every day."
Terry's face turned crimson and he dropped the kettle back onto the counter with a clang. "That's a lie!"
"Drop your trousers and prove it!" Blaise Zabini called out.
Draco grinned. "The kettle doesn't lie. Sorry, Boot, but I did warn you. Now, if you all have your tea…where's Potter?"
"No idea," Hannah said. A collection of shrugs around the room told Draco no one else knew either.
"All right, well, Finnigan will be here any time, so I'm hiding the regular teakettle. No one touch it unless you want to join Boot in humiliation." Draco grinned at Terry, who was hunched low in his seat, and took the regular kettle away. He headed to his seat and took out his notes.
A few moments later Seamus shuffled in with Potter on his heels. "Sorry we're late," Potter apologized. "Seamus showed up drunk at my door last night and I couldn't wake him for anything this morning."
Draco scowled and wondered if he should try getting sloshed to have Harry take care of him. He was so busy imagining the scenario that he didn’t immediately notice Seamus flopping down across from him until Hannah said loudly, "Harry, what are you doing?"
"Getting tea for myself and the lush, why?"
"Harry –" Draco cried out, but it was too late – the teakettle was hanging from Potter's hand already. The room was deadly silent, except for the slight snores coming from Finnigan's direction.
"Harry Potter is gay!" the teakettle announced loudly.
The room was still quiet, but every face wore an expression of shock. Except for Finnigan, who was still sawing logs.
"What…" Harry choked. "What the fuck is this?" All the color had drained from his face, and he was trembling.
"Put it down, Harry." Hannah pointed to the kettle in Harry's shaking hand.
"Who did this?" Harry asked, his voice rising in anger. "Who did this to me?"
Heads swiveled to look at Draco, and Harry followed their eyes. "Draco? Why?"
"I…" Draco swallowed. Harry looked so hurt.
"I wear ladies' knickers!" Boot called out, obviously trying to help. Unfortunately, all it did was interrupt Draco, and Harry dropped the kettle and hurried out of the room. When the door banged shut, Finnigan woke with a start.
"Time for the meeting, then?" he asked.
****************
Harry didn't show up for work the next two days, and Draco was soon the office pariah. No one cared that Harry was gay, but they did care that Draco had inadvertently upset him about it. Draco himself was devastated – Harry being gay was good news to him, but he doubted that his having outed the man to the whole Ministry had endeared Harry to him. After work the second day, Draco went to Harry's flat in hopes that he could apologize. The look on Harry's face when he saw who was at his door told Draco he wasn't likely to succeed.
"What are you doing here?" Harry's voice was cold.
"I just wanted to talk to you," Draco began. "I didn't –"
"I don't want to talk to you," Harry interrupted. "I don't want anything to do with you. Can't you just leave me alone?"
"But, Harry, I –"
"I've defended you so many times, to everyone! I've stood up for you when Seamus embarrassed you over and over, and this is how you repay me?"
"I didn't mean to!" Draco cried. "I was trying to play a joke on Seamus, but you came in with him and it all went awry! He's always the last one in, and I tried to stop you from touching it but it was too late."
"Well, whether you meant to or not, you've ruined everything for me. All I've ever wanted was to be normal, and once again I'm a freak."
"Being gay doesn't make you a freak, Harry."
"Yes, it does! My uncle used to call me a freak and a queer. He called me that before I even realized I was gay. I've always known I was different, and I'm so tired of it."
"Harry, just because your ignorant Muggle relatives think being gay is wrong…don't you know that in the wizarding world it just doesn't matter? Love is love, no matter who you find it with."
"That's a lie! I was on the front page again, for the first time in ages. 'Harry Potter is gay!' I'm so tired of it!"
"They only did that because they knew it would be news to all the gay men hopelessly in love with you, and it'd sell papers. I've been at work in your absence the last two days and no one cares, Harry. They're all angry with me for making you uncomfortable, even if it wasn't intentional. The news will die down."
Harry shook his head, and Draco noticed how tired the other man looked. "Just go, Draco. I'll be back in a few days. Right now…I just need to be alone."
"Harry."
"Please, Draco."
Draco swallowed and nodded. "I really am sorry, Harry. I never wanted to hurt you."
Harry sighed. "I know. Good-bye, Draco."
***********
Harry finally returned to work Friday. He didn't speak to Draco, barely looked at Draco, and when Draco went sprawling to the floor in front of his desk courtesy of Finnigan's latest hex, Harry ignored him.
Draco didn't know what to do. He spent the weekend pondering the problem, and he finally determined that the best course of action was revenge – on himself. He'd embarrassed Harry, however unintentionally, and if he ever expected Harry to forgive him he'd have to embarrass himself. When he left for work Monday morning, he brought along the bag containing the teakettle.
"Are we ready to start?" Hannah asked, looking around the room. Everyone, even Seamus, was present.
"I have an announcement," Draco said loudly, standing. He picked up the teapot and took it to the counter. "A week ago, I embarrassed someone who I…well, who I had considered to be a friend of mine. I truly didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and I'm sorry. I have decided that turnabout is fair play, so…" He mumbled the charm over the teapot. He'd been careful to end it before picking up the kettle the week before, and he really had no idea what the charm would reveal about him. The Prophet had aired so much of the Malfoy family's dirty laundry that Draco wasn't sure he even had any secrets left, but fair was fair.
"Draco, you don't have to do this." Harry stood up, his voice quiet.
"I do, actually. I don't want you to hate me anymore." Draco took a deep breath and picked up the teakettle.
"Draco Malfoy is in love with Harry Potter."
The room began buzzing loudly, but Draco could only hear a roaring in his ears as he processed what the kettle had announced. I love Harry? he thought madly. I know I like him, I know I'm attracted to him, I know that I hate that he's angry at me and I'd do anything to see him smile again…sweet Merlin, I love Harry Potter.
He raised his head to meet Harry's gaze. He didn't know what to expect, but dread began to roll in his stomach. And now I've managed to embarrass him again, Draco thought. I can't seem to do anything right here.
Harry didn't look angry, though. In fact, he was…smiling?
"Draco." Harry moved through the crowd until he was standing in front of Draco. "Come out here, all right?" He led Draco into the hall and turned to face him. "Your deepest secret is that you love me?"
Draco shrugged miserably. "I'm sorry. I've embarrassed you all over again, and I was only trying to make things right."
"I'm not embarrassed. Not anymore." Harry smiled at him gently. "You were right, Draco. Nobody cares that I'm gay. In fact, I had no idea so many others here are gay too, or bisexual. I feel like I can be myself now, and I have you to thank for that. I'm sorry I was so cold to you before."
"No need to apologize," Draco said softly. "
"And if all this had never happened, I'd still be hiding, and I'd never have the courage to ask you to dinner."
"To…you're asking me out?"
"Yes," Harry replied simply. "Will you go out with me?"
"I'll go anywhere with you," Draco answered, unable to stop the grin that was spreading across his face. "Tonight?"
"Yes. After work? I'll take you out to eat, and then we can go back to my flat for drinks, if you like."
Draco licked his lips. "Or…we could just go to your flat."
Harry laughed. "You don’t really think I'm going to put out on the first date, do you?"
"I was sort of hoping." Draco grinned, then hesitantly reached for Harry's hand. "But I'd love to have dinner with you either way."
"Harry!" Seamus came into the corridor and elbowed Draco out of the way. "You're not really going out with Malfoy, are you?"
"I am, yes." Harry pulled Draco closer. "And if you don't cease all the practical jokes you've been pulling on my boyfriend, I'll hex your bits off."
"But…I was going to ask you out myself!" Seamus protested. "I didn't know you liked blokes before, but surely you'd rather –"
"I'd rather not, actually. But I suppose I should thank you, because if not for your pranks Draco never would have come up with his abysmal idea and I'd still be in the closet wanking over him instead of looking forward to fucking him tonight. So thanks!" Harry smiled brightly at Seamus. "I suppose we should get back in there for the meeting."
Draco followed Harry in, shooting the sputtering Seamus a smirk over his shoulder. "Guess the joke's on you, Finnigan."
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"You don’t really think I'm going to put out on the first date, do you?"
"I was sort of hoping." :)
Seamus had it coming. His pranks were evil and stupid - not funny at all.
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I love the idea of Seamus being a twat, cause he always striked me as a complete twat to Draco.
I also like the idea of the secrets being revealed. Especially when Draco was willing to do it for Harry so he wasn't embarrassed.
Ahh, I adore ittt! *memories*
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~Mab
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i love your stories, they always make me feel better.
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Great fic!
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And lovely ending! Take that cheeky Seamus!
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